A brief trawl through any internet search engine will find you a glut of information on how to travel. Some of it will be professionally written, some of it will be intelectually stimulating, some of it will be practically useful, and even more of it, like this particular passage, will be the mad ramblings of a half-deranged holiday-maker labouring under the false delusion that anybody cares a slugs fart what they think about the world at large. What the great majority of these millions of words will not be however, is a lucid account of what you should not do whilst away from your native soil. A practical guide to avoiding the many pitfalls of the naïve, the gullible, the unlucky and the just plain stupid traveller.
First up, make sure you are not trying to travel on a damaged passport. This might sound obvious, but you would be surprised how many people think they can bluff their way through immigration in some South American country with a passport that looks like a yak has shat on it, only to find out that they need to have it replaced on an emergency same-day service at a cost of £1,247 plus travel card and valium. These are usually the same people who have a hissy fit when they are wordlessly handed a piece of paper telling them that their damaged passport has been considered a national security risk and whisked off to the nearest incinerator to be blasted into oblivion, along with all those much prized visas and immigration stamps they had collected for the last 7 years.
Secondly, don't leave your passport replacement so late that you end up having to fight your way through London rush hour to get your bags, then rely on the kindness of your friends to whisk you straight to Heathrow airport so you don't miss your flight. When you try to pack your case in 7 minutes you will forget half the things you need and take twice the crap you don't need.
Third in our really useful list is that if you are dashing hell for leather to the airport to catch a Varig flight to Rio De Janeiro via Sao Paulo, make sure this flight hasn't been cancelled. When you run breathlessly to the check-in desk only to be told that the plane you are supposed to be flying on is still in Brazil, you will probably have some kind of minor mental breakdown and start giggling maniacally at the check-in attendant. More likely than not, the next thing you will do is think back on the previous crappy 48 hours and look for a puppy to kick.
Next up, if your airline packs you all off to a local hotel for the night, you'll probably want to make sure the hotel isn't being managed by some kind of thoughtless idiot. How will you know if he is an idiot ? Easy, he will probably do something like wait for all the passengers to form orderley queues at the reception desk, then he'll take a big box of room keys from behind reception and start walking to the opposite side of the lobby with them. As he's walking across the lobby he may very well say something like the airline has made a mistake sending you all there and that they do not have enough rooms for everybody and that several dozen of you will have to make your way back to the airport. After telling you this, the mindless tosser will ask you to form an orderly queue in front of him and wait to see if you get a room. He will have no idea why this will instigate a stampede and near riot.
If you have ordered foreign currency online, for collection at the airport on departure, under no circumstances should you enter an incorrect expiry date for your credit card. This will only void your entire transaction and the smiley lady at the Travelex counter will just stare at you sympathetically, but adamantly refuse to give you those thousands of dollars at the vastly superior exchange rate you originally hoped to enjoy. You will be forced to buy your cash at backstreet loanshark prices.
When you arrive in Rio De Janeiro, make sure your luggage has travelled to the same country as you. If, for example, you were to sit at the luggage carousel until every other passenger on your flight has taken their bag and left the airport, and you still have no rucksack when the baggage handlers switch off the conveyor and come out to where you are still sitting to smoke cigarettes with the security people and have a good laugh at you, then your bag is probably still in London. Don't get too concerned about the apparently unexplainable disappearence of your entire worldly belongings, though. Chances are they will turn up after 3 days and you will only have to wear the same travel clothes in the searing tropical heat for 5 consecutive days.
Finally, don't wait until you are on the opposite side of the world before both you and your girlfriend contract a nasty bout of some flu-like lurgey. You will find that having to travel cross country on rickety public transport is not best undertaken with a fever in the low hundreds and nothing to eat for 4 days. Also the raging sore throat, continually streaming nose and hacking cough will not make you especially popular the night you have to spend in the dormitory of a hostel.
If you decide to treat yourself to a few days relaxing in an unspoiled beach paradise to make up for a fairly shitty start to your trip. Make sure the place you are visiting, Buzios in Brazil for example, isn't in the middle of a 6 day, non-stop, torrential storm that will have you wandering the nearly empty streets in boots, fleeces and raincoats.
Finally, if you decide not to bother prearranging any accommodation before arriving in a large city like Buenos Aires, please do try and ensure it is not during large-scale political demonstrations when every hostel and hotel in the entire city is booked up for the day you arrive. You will only have to cart yourself and your luggage around the sweltering city for hours desperately trying to find a bed for the night. Your sense of frustration will only be exacerbated by the fact you will have just stepped off a 16 hour bus journey with almost no sleep and all you want to do is lie down for a few hours.
So there you go. Avoid these obvious pitfalls and you too can enjoy weeks of trouble free travelling with nothing to distract you from the glorious delights that your chosen destination has to offer. Tune in next week for an update on our 'How to find the world's hardest bed' competition.
Mik ´Of course I know what I´m doing´Threlfall
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