1. There will not be enough legroom. It is irrelevant whether you travel by car, truck, bus, boat or plane. You can buy the super-duper, top of the range VIP bus ticket, and also buy the seat in front of you and rip it out. It doesn't make any difference. There will not be enough legroom.
2. Drivers of public transport are only permitted to overtake on blind corners. There are no exception to this rule.
3. Always drive slowly on straight, empty roads.
4. Always drive quickly on narrow mountain roads. The large number of hairpin turns make for plenty of overtaking opportunities.
5. Never believe a timetable. Ever.
6. Immediately after your plane has landed and a cabin attendant has asked you to remain in your seat and refrain from switching on your mobile phones, switch on your mobile phone and get up out of your seat.
7. Toilets on trains are there solely for the purpose of creating new strains of chemical and biological weapons.
8. Q : What's the difference between a pedestrian and a chicken ?
A : A truck driver will slow down to avoid a chicken.
9. If a travel agent says to you 'Yes, of course.' then the answer to your question was 'no'.
10. Climate control is intended to be very ambiguous. If your air-conditioning makes your room 3 degrees hotter than it is outside, technically it has controlled your environment.
11. Everything interesting starts at 6 O'clock in the morning.
12. If you cannot understand what is written on your menu, never pick a dish at random. It will undoubtedly contain some variety of animal genitalia or the itestinal tract of a strange looking animal you've never seen before. Mimes and hand signals are rarely more successful.
13. Dishonest men become taxi drivers. This rule is universal.
14. 73.2% of the world's 7-11 shops can be found within a 9 block radius of central Bangkok.
15. Mosquitoes are for wimps. If you hear a high pitched buzzing noise in your room and awake in the morning to find a small red lump which will cause some mild irritation for a few days, you have been bitten by a mosquito. If you hear, see and feel absolutely nothing and awake in the morning to find and enormous red mound on your skin which will ooze and seep for a week and itch so bad you will happily take a rusty cheesegrater to it if you thought it would do any good, then you have been visited by Mr. Sandfly.
16. If you take every piece of information in your guidebook and believe the exact opposite, this will most accurately describe your experiences.
17. White, plastic patio chairs are what the word ''ubiquitous" was invented for.
18. Practice your look of abject fear. A tuk-tuk driver will be personally offended if you don't look like you fear for your life, and he will be obliged to drive faster and faster until he feels you do .
19. Remember in the Roadrunner cartoons when Wile E. Coyote's plan backfires and he shoots himself with a shotgun ? When he tries to drink a glass of water it spurts out of him through all the holes. That's what it feels like to sweat in Asia.
20. You can buy 13 new T-shirts, a sarong, a vest with the words 'SAME SAME' written on the front of it and several pairs of silly fisherman's pants for what Millets charge for that one Berghaus travel shirt. Your choice !
21. The heaviest items in your pack will get used least often
Mik
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