Thoughts so far.

Well, we've finished travelling through our first country and you'd think we might have learned a few things, about Vietnam and travelling in general. We think we have, and what's more, we're going to share a few nuggets of wisdom with you. Here goes :

1. Vietnams North/South divide
Vietnam is a great place, and one we would highly recommend to everyone. However there is definately still a north/south divide, despite it officially ending 30 years ago. Example of text from a tourist leaflet in Saigon (south) : "How you diamond geezer alright mate. Cheap tour of Cu Chi tunnel by boat and views of beautiful Vietnamese coutryside, David Beckham". Example of text from tourist leaflet in Hanoi (north) : "Tour to see glorious museum of victory against imperialist oppressors. See how brave revolutionary peoples of Vietnam defeat armies of colonial greed to create beautiful Socialist Republic of Vietnam". You get the picture.

2. Mopeds
Vietnamese people love mopeds. A lot. Not only are there millions of them, everywhere, they also have a million uses. There is very little that connot be fitted onto the back of a moped. We have seen stacks of produce at least 12 feet high piled onto the back of a moped, with a rider and 2 passengers, we've seen 8 foot long panes of glass, entire extended families and crates of watermelons. You name it we've seen it piled onto hte back of a moped. But our number one favourite piece of moped baggage was..........a moped ! That's right, folks. On a drive through Saigon we saw a chap riding a moped, and piled on the back was another moped being held on to desperately by his passenger. Fantastic.

3. Traffic
Traffic is incredible, especially considering there appears to be no rules governing use of the roads. From what we can tell, the only rule seems to be first person there has right of way, even if they are driving down the wrong side of the road, at night, with no lights and 37 passengers on their moped. Unfortunately, many lorry and bus drivers believe they have right of way, even if they get to a junction second, simply because having 14 tons of sharp, angular steel conveys some kind of advantage in a collision. The moped riders are having none of it and frequently engage in games of chicken with the lorries. From what we can tell, the lorry drivers sometime back off, but often not. You see wrecks everywhere.

4. Pedestrians
In Saigon there are so many mopeds everywhere that crossing the road is a major hazard. Even the locals get scared, which is why there are so few pedestrians. Instead they buy a moped and ride across the road. One of the most interesting aspects is realising that you have to look in every direction at once irrespective of which lane you are crossing. There is just as much chance of getting run over by somebody driving against the traffic as fast as they can with a large timber doorframe on the back of their bike. From what we can figure, the only safe way to cross a road is to have a 360 degree field of vision, maybe by growing a pair of insectile compound eyes.

5. Insectile compound eyes
The only way I know for getting a pair of compound eyes is to build a teleportation machine, then carelessly allow a fly to get into the machine whilst you're using it. When you teleport across the room, your computer will become confused and merge you at a genetic level with the fly. After this everything takes care of itself. Warning : this could be a dangerous procedure and you should always get permission from a parent or guardian before trying it.

6. Guidebooks
From our modest experience, we have come to believe that all guidebooks (but especially Lonely Planet) are complete bollocks. Not since the cold war have I seen a book of such blatant lies and disinformation. They should be moved from the travel section to the fiction section in Waterstones immediately.

7. Fingernails
If you, like me, are an habitual fingernail biter, you will be staggered at how easy it is to break that nasty habit once you have moved to a land of squat toilets and no running water.

8. Intellectual property theft
There is nothing, I repeat nothing, that cannot be copied, counterfeited and pirated and sold on the streets for a couple of dollars. Biggest scam so far : $800 worth of computer software on sale for $2. I fail to see how Bill Gates could ever break the $100 billion mark with all this going on. I feel for him, I really do. CD's & DVD's are on sale here before ever making it to HMV or the cinema back home. Oh, well !

9. Pho
If you ever order a bowl of Pho (or Vietnamese beef noodle soup) in Cambodia, that large, brown, round thing floating on the top of the soup is not a bull's testicle. If you ask the waitress if it is, using mimes and hand gestures, she will only laugh at you and tell her extended family what you just said. They will also laugh at you.
It is in fact a kind of dumpling made out of ground beef, flour and pepper. I though it tasted like a testicle !